Introductory Temporal Transportology

[bedheaded]

[A man is stuck in the streets of London. He has an amazing I-don't-care-about-my-hair-because-that's-how-cool-I-am hairstyle, $300 dollar Italian jeans, and I dare you to ask the thread count on that shirt, the first few buttons of which have been carelessly left unbuttoned. That's right. The hipsters have arrived. Also, he is holding a blackberry.]

[Clothing aside, he is not acting all that hip. He speaks with very broad hand gestures and a moderately manic expression.]

What the hell is this? When did we go Sherlock Holmes? Abed, are you doing a 'themed episode' [he doesn't need physical air quotes: he can do it with his voice] again? Because if you are, I need to know how the hell you pulled this off so it never happens again! [He stares at his Blackberry in incredulity, and here comes the last straw.] And why isn't my phone getting any signal?

[A choked scream of frustration, and he kicks a nearby crate.] This doesn't make any sense!

[Someone stop him before he finds an axe.]

Comments

[theworst]

[she stops, because Jeff Winger is throwing a fit in the streets and someone has to comment]

Yes, because of course your smart phone not working is the -

[Wait.]

...Jeff? [and okay, it's been so long since she's seen a familiar face, so she will now glomp attack him, because that is her right.]

[bedheaded]

Holy shit, Britta, you almost made me drop my phone! [BUT HE IS GRIPPING ONTO IT LIKE A MADMAN because he is so lost. And so confused.]

[....Wait, Britta is hugging him. In a place that looks like Victorian London. He will actually hug her back, vaguely.] Britta, I know this is a long shot considering who I'm speaking to, but please tell me you know what's going on.

[theworst]

[still clinging, screw anyone who might be gawking. She doesn't care]

It's not Abed. [pause] At least I don't think. But there are monsters, like alien monster things with tentacles. And there are a lot of religions that make Pierce's look sane and mainstream.

Oh, and your cell phone won't work. Although I have seen a lot of Japanese people walking around with cell phones. [sadly] Pierce would've said something inappropriate there. [because she even misses Pierce's bigotry]

[bedheaded]

[He doesn't get these hugs but, hey, even he isn't enough of a jerkass to shove Britta away when she's clearly upset. So the hug can continue.] Wow, this must be serious if you're missing Pierce's colourful commentary.







...Did you say alien monster things with tentacles?

[theworst]

[nods while still hugging]

Yeah, you'll want to stay away from the docks. That's where they usually gather.

[bedheaded]

....And you're completely sure this isn't Abed. Because I, personally, cannot begin to conceive the alternative. [Oh god oh god oh god. The world will make more sense if he clings to Britta. No, wait. Wait. When has the world ever made more sense by spending time with anyone in the study group? Something really is wrong.]

[theworst]

Like I said, I'm fairly sure it's not him, but at this point I'm not ruling out anything. They have a bunch of cults that worship the alieny tentacled guys. If you want we can go down to the docks.

[still clinging, but pulling back to make a face at him, because friends can still troll each other, even through trauma]

Don't worry, I'll protect you from all the monster-wonsters.

[llywelin]

[Lion pauses in her usual routine to just sort of. Blink at him. Well. Very 'modern' from her understanding of things. Also kind of meta sounding but Lion has no idea what that would mean.

And oh dear he's going to hurt himself like that.]

...Excuse me, but...as far as I know this isn't an episode of anything. I could ask but I think that's ruled out.

[bedheaded]

[A point. With the hand holding the blackberry.] Hi. I'm not usually this rude [blatant lies] but I've just been thrown so far out of my element that I'm starting to wonder if maybe, just maybe, I'm back into it again. So who are you and how do you explain this?

[llywelin]

[Blinking at the phone being pointed at her. Oh it's Battler. Well at least he is apologising for any rudeness.]

No, being upset in this sort of situation is perfectly normal. My name is Ushiromiya Lion. Ah, just Lion is fine. Explaining this...

[Well, he was using meta sounding things...] ...I suppose you could say we're somehow trapped in a parallel universe. Which does sound insane, I admit. But that's the simplest way of putting it.

[bedheaded]

[He starts. Laughing.] Great. Great. Great great great. [She doesn't know it, but that was delivered as a parody of a very specific 'coolcoolcool'] I've fallen onto the set of Inspector Spacetime. Wait till Troy and Abed hear about this! So where are the Blogons? Is Horsebot3000 here? [Slight toning down because Horsebot3000 is dead and it made Jeff cry but BACK TO MANIC AGAIN] And are we on Earth Prime or Earth-2, because we're still owed a peaceful UN resolution.

[llywelin]

[Well, a normal person would react badly. Lion vaguely wonders what all of that means because it's confusing. References?? Ah well.]

I don't think you're being serious but I'll answer to the best of my abilities. We are on Earth, yes, in the year 1882 and this is London as you correctly inferred. Ah, the difference is that horrible creatures run this world. [Thinking.] If you had to brand it something, it would be horror rather than science fiction. But it isn't a TV program.

[bedheaded]

I'm back in time on an Earth ruled by monsters. This isn't science fiction. This is crap.

[intellectualrapist]

[Meta senses note tingling. Meaning he's just a loud genre savvy dude. Sigh. Where are all the pieces in this place, geez.

Gothic lolitas are cool, right?]

Ah, maybe the battery is dying? Mine gets signal just fine.

[Idly checking her phone.]

[bedheaded]

What? Give me that. [And he goes for the snatching of that phone.]

[intellectualrapist]

H-Hey! [Predicted and anticipated but still. Her phone.] Look, see? The signal is fine. Maybe your phone is just really cheap?

[bedheaded]

My phone is not cheap, it's a Blackberry! [He starts poking through buttons and hold on.] This is in Japanese. ...Does that battery symbol mean infinite lifespan? How is that even possible? [He flips the phone over to look at the battery pack, pulls it out, and flips it over again.] Why is it still working?

[intellectualrapist]

[One hand on her hip, lips pursed for a moment.] Oh, you're smarter than you look. It would have been boring otherwise. It's working via magic. Someone else missed the internet and designed these. You're free to freak out over it if you want but I'll only be able to explain when you're done.

[bedheaded]

I am exactly as smart as I look, which is to say I look like a genius. A cool genius. [He does turn off his phone, because he is now wasting batteries and he doesn't have a power adapter. Then he looks at Erika.] Unless this is a drug trip, or a dream, or the consequence of monkey gas in the vents again, or somehow the realization of everything the two giant dorks in my study group ever wanted, I have travelled back in time. I am so far beyond freaking out, I should be running an asylum. Explain this to me.

[digitalemperor]

U-um... Hey, calm down!

[Enter one skinny Japanese kid raising a hand placatingly at you, Mr. Frustrated Guy. Well, he can sympathize with the not having phone access problem. That's pretty distressing!]

[bedheaded]

I am calm! [He looks like he wants to throw something to empathize this, but the only thing he is holding his phone.]

[And he is never ever throwing his phone.]

[digitalemperor]

...R-right.

[Whatever you say. Welp, on to the important things. Less important than lack of internet, but... Still important.]

You just got here, right?

[bedheaded]

If you tell me where 'here' is supposed to be, I can answer that question for you.

[digitalemperor]

London. Um. I know it seems strange, but the better question is probably "when" this is supposed to be...

[bedheaded]

I worked out when it's supposed to be. It's supposed to be Sherlock Holmes time, and Queen Victoria time, and the team with the tea and the top hats and the carriages and the "please, sir, I want some more!" and all that other crap that can't possibly be happening!