Introductory Temporal Transportology

[bedheaded]

[A man is stuck in the streets of London. He has an amazing I-don't-care-about-my-hair-because-that's-how-cool-I-am hairstyle, $300 dollar Italian jeans, and I dare you to ask the thread count on that shirt, the first few buttons of which have been carelessly left unbuttoned. That's right. The hipsters have arrived. Also, he is holding a blackberry.]

[Clothing aside, he is not acting all that hip. He speaks with very broad hand gestures and a moderately manic expression.]

What the hell is this? When did we go Sherlock Holmes? Abed, are you doing a 'themed episode' [he doesn't need physical air quotes: he can do it with his voice] again? Because if you are, I need to know how the hell you pulled this off so it never happens again! [He stares at his Blackberry in incredulity, and here comes the last straw.] And why isn't my phone getting any signal?

[A choked scream of frustration, and he kicks a nearby crate.] This doesn't make any sense!

[Someone stop him before he finds an axe.]

Comments

[bedheaded]

[............................wow, Britta.] Britta? I know you know this by now, but I just want to remind you. You. Are the worst.

[Frowning at the paper.] Yeah, about a lawyering job. Getting credentials is going to be even easier than it was the first time I was a lawyer, but there's no way I can go in blind with everything I don't know about British law. Are there public libraries or something?

[theworst]

[she pouts, her shoulders squaring as she hunches in on herself defensively] Whatever. Excuse me for trying to have some levity. Maybe if you weren't so naturally severe you might know something about that.

[shrugs, still pouting and closing herself off] Yeah, I think so. We can go look for one after we go to look at that apartment.

[because even if she's a little annoyed and hurt, she still doesn't want to let Jeff out of her sight - even if she might never admit as much]

[bedheaded]

Sorry, did I hurt your feelings? Let me pin an apology to a Deep One for you.

[He highlights the apartment, and one more that he likes, and then folds up the paper.] Do you know where it is, or do we also need to find a map?

[theworst]

Pshaw, like you could ever hurt my feelings.

[she leans over his shoulder to look at what he picked out]

Please, I know this city like I knew the Lower East Side when I was living in New York. [she grabs his hand to pull him up again, heading towards where the first apartment is located]

[bedheaded]

You mean you can navigate it while stoned? Exciting. [And he is going along with it anyway.]

[theworst]

Oh yeah, that reminds me, if you're offered honey with anything, don't just accept it. Wait, what am I saying, you wouldn't anyway, because what would that do to your diet? But just in case you do decide to splurge one day, when they say honey they're talking about this sort of crazy weird dream tripping and sharing hallucinogenic stuff that's pretty popular and legal around here.

[bedheaded]

First of all, honey is better than sugar if you aw a sweetener, but I'm sure I don't have to tell you that. Second of all, we're talking... what. LSD sort of hallucinations? Shared?

[theworst]

Acid looks like kiddy tylenol compared to this stuff. I don't know how it works exactly, but if you take it with someone else you can share a dream with them. I think it comes from the crazy tentacley alien guys.

[bedheaded]

And people ingest this willingly. This place makes less sense than Pierce's seven wives.

[theworst]

The tentacley rapey guys aren't always raping either. People mate with them willingly, too. Just look at that ad you saw before.

That's half the reason why I'm sure this can't be Abed. It's too dark and twisted and confusing to be anything he would come up with.

[bedheaded]

[There is an expression of utter horror that passes over Jeff's face at that first statement.] I am never looking at any of these ads ever again.

[It's hard being hipper-than-thou when faced with Lovecraftian horror.] So we are going to pick one of the really safe parts of the city, even if it means cutting back on leather jackets and vests to pay the rent. [That hand you're holding, Britta? It might have accidentally started holding yours pretty tightly.]

[theworst]

[she notices the 'accidental' way he's holding her hand tighter. She puts her free hand on top of his other hand without thinking]

You'll have to cut back on stuff too, buddy. Not that I care. It's not like I need to define myself by what I wear. What are a few leather jackets or vests or kickass boots?

[bedheaded]

[He laughs dismissively.] I don't have any problem cutting back. I can get this look without money. [He just... really likes money. And faucets. And imported clothing.]

[theworst]

Right, of course you can. [she pats his hand, grateful there isn't television or cereal, so she doesn't have to worry about him reverting to the way he acted when he crashed with Abed]

Or, just throwing this out there, you could get a job and get lots of money and buy yourself all the nice things you like with all that important money you make.

[bedheaded]

That's why we're going to find a library. Unless you think libraries are too establishment to be worth going to.

[theworst]

If you trust the establishment books that are put in those places, be my guest. I'm not going to stop you from exercising your freedom to be brainwashed by this fascist monarchy's regime.

[bedheaded]

I don't want to be brainwashed. I want to read their law books so I can once again save from justice people who don't deserve to be saved.

When I put it that way, it sounds like work. [He is no longer warmed-up to the idea.]

[theworst]

Considering they don't have TV here, you can't just watch Law & Order and fake your way through it. They do have courtrooms though. We could go hang out at a few trials if you want and see if you can figure out how to fake it from there.

[she just wants to keep Jeff and not go back to being alone here, even if that means supporting his less than moral occupation]

[bedheaded]

But if I see what they wear, I might not want to do it. [Jeff Winger, mature adult.] We'll work it out later. Apartment first.

[theworst]

Seeing as I'm the bread winner right now, I'll buy you one of those lawyer-y wig things.

[but she drags him along still until they finally reach one of the apartments]

[bedheaded]

[He looks the outside of the building up and down.] There are worse places. And I don't see any rivers nearby, so that's a plus.

[theworst]

Yeah, well, don't count your eggs before they hatch. We still have to see how this place looks once we're inside.

[more to herself than to Jeff] Not that I have room to be picky or anything.

[bedheaded]

We will have room to be picky. As soon as I'm a lawyer again.

[theworst]

Does that mean you are going to get your fake lawyer license thing?

[bedheaded]

[In perfect mimicry of Britta:] Duh-doy. It's not going to be harder in this place than it was in the 21st century.