Introductory Temporal Transportology

[bedheaded]

[A man is stuck in the streets of London. He has an amazing I-don't-care-about-my-hair-because-that's-how-cool-I-am hairstyle, $300 dollar Italian jeans, and I dare you to ask the thread count on that shirt, the first few buttons of which have been carelessly left unbuttoned. That's right. The hipsters have arrived. Also, he is holding a blackberry.]

[Clothing aside, he is not acting all that hip. He speaks with very broad hand gestures and a moderately manic expression.]

What the hell is this? When did we go Sherlock Holmes? Abed, are you doing a 'themed episode' [he doesn't need physical air quotes: he can do it with his voice] again? Because if you are, I need to know how the hell you pulled this off so it never happens again! [He stares at his Blackberry in incredulity, and here comes the last straw.] And why isn't my phone getting any signal?

[A choked scream of frustration, and he kicks a nearby crate.] This doesn't make any sense!

[Someone stop him before he finds an axe.]

Comments

[bedheaded]

[He holds up a finger.] We are residing together for the purpose of reducing living costs because we don't know anyone else. It's temporary. And anyway, what's the big deal? When you room with friends, the things you love about them become the things that make you want to smother them with a pillow. I already want to kill you half the time. We won't even be able to tell the difference.

[theworst]

Smothering you with a pillow would be an improvement all around.

All right, well, one of us has to sleep on the sofa. [she puts her finger to her nose quickly] Not it!

[bedheaded]

[ldajglkjsadg] You didn't give me a chance! [Yet the laws of it are immutable.] Fine! But as soon as I'm the one paying for most of the apartment, you get the couch.

[Of course, if Jeff does make attorney and they still live together, they will be able to afford a two bedroom. Shut up.]

[theworst]

If you want to cry about it, you can. I'm more than happy to listen. You can even tell me how that makes you feel.

[bedheaded]

If you want a guy that cries, why don't you go to Troy? I'm sure he has a lot of emotional pain for you to get your cougar claws into.

[theworst]

That's really insightful. It's actually amazing that you were even able to spare a second to think about that, what with all the time you spend sticking your tongue into a teenager.

[bedheaded]

She's twenty now, I only kissed her once, and I know I shouldn't have. You went right for Troy without even thinking about his age. And we both know why. Is this psychology major extra-helpful for you when you're trying to pick out emotionally damaged guys to go after?

[theworst]

She wasn't twenty when you kissed her, and you kissed her twice. One of those kisses being right after two age appropriate women confessed they were in love with you.

[bedheaded]

[Crap, she's got him. But what kind of lawyer is he if he gives up now?] Oh, I see what it is now. The problem isn't Annie's age, it's that I didn't kiss you. You really just can't admit it when you're attracted to me, can you?

[theworst]

I beg your unbelievable pardon, you pompous jag?

[bedheaded]

You're attracted to me! You're still upset and jealous because I kissed her instead of choosing you. It's just like with Vaughn! You don't care about the age difference. You just care because you don't like it when someone who used to want to sleep with you doesn't anymore. You don't know how to share, and that's what this is about.

[theworst]

Okay, I need a cigarette, because right now the thought of being in a hot tub three way with Pierce is infinitely more attractive than anything involving you or your monster ego. I have never been less attracted to anyone in my entire life.

[bedheaded]

You mean you don't have a rebuttal, so I win. Hah. [He opens the door to their apartment.] You have fun with the bed, Britta. Tell me if you need me to clear out for a night, because unlike some people, I'm perfectly cool with people I've slept with seeing other people after it's over.

[theworst]

[she stares and she actually can't think of a rebuttal] Screw you, Winger!

[and she storms past him into the bedroom and slams the door shut behind her before flopping down on her bed]