Intermediate Library Science

[theworst]

[So Jeff and Britta are in a library, in a study room, with books spread across the table. It's oddly nostalgic, except there are five other people missing. Britta's face is scrunched up as she reads over one trying to find something in there to quiz Jeff about to help him in his studying]

How many laws do you really need to know to be a lawyer? Can't you just sing Witchy Woman and win the jury over or whatever it is that you do?

[they seriously need Annie, because this thing called studying is hard]

Comments

[bedheaded]

Yeah, see, you do have to know some of the law. The parts that are important to whatever kind of law you practice. For me, it was DUI cases. But more importantly, you have to know your audience. Reading judge and jury and playing off their prejudices is at least half the job. In America, it's easy. For a year or so after 9/11, you could win almost any case by bringing it up. But here? I need to get to know these people. Or I'll never be able to talk them into doing what I want. [Which is why one of the books in front of him is a law book, and the other one is a history textbook.] Did you know they have plays commemorating their invasion? That's like Native Americans doing a joyful musical number every time we drop by with pestilential sleeping blankets.

[theworst]

Please, almost every national holiday we celebrated was the commemoration of some oppressive landmark. It just happened to be that the history books twisted and whitewashed the true stories.

[she leans across the table, all sugary sweetness and cheer] Ooh, but maybe if you're lucky some huge national tragedy might happen soon so you can take advantage of it in a court of law!

[bedheaded]

I'm sure we do, Elizabeth Shue, but at least we're not celebrating our own oppression.

[He turns a page of the history book, trying not to slump.] I won't get that lucky.

[theworst]

Tell that to Mother's Day.

[turning another page, before resting her elbows on the table and looking at Jeff] Well, what did you do before 9/11? You were pretending to be a lawyer back then, too, right?

[bedheaded]

I was a lawyer back then. I was just less than honest about the education that led to be becoming one. [He sighs and leans back.] Same sort of thing I did after the honeymoon wore off. Figure out what the jury wants to believe and make it work with what I want them to believe. Works 95% of the time, and 100% if you count appeals.

[theworst]

Aww, did I hurt your itty bitty fraudulent attorney feelings?

All right Atticus Finch, what's your read on the people here so far?

[bedheaded]

They're creepy. And crazy! And they are so obsessed with the insignificance of human kind. They keep shoving it down your throat. It's great that they think their lives are meaningless, but they don't have to insist mine is. Pierce's cult is one kind of weird, but these people are just disturbing.

[theworst]

Or they could just be scared and trying to make sense of something that's impossible to understand. Jeff, they have tentacled aliens that want to breed with them, and probably will by force one way or another. It might not be what we agree with, but people need to find ways to cope, even disturbing ways. And these people are the ones you'll need to get on your side if you want to become a lawyer again. Unless you think you'll magically Winger speech them out of their entire belief system.

[bedheaded]

No, Britta, I'll leave that to you and your protests. But you have to admit, it is pretty insane.

[OH. OH. IDEA.] Hand me that book, the one on your left. I think I've got something.

[theworst]

[she's about to respond, when she gets distracted by his commands. She grabs the book and shoves it to him quickly]

Here, here! Did you come up with a super scheme to wiggle your way back into lawyering?

[bedheaded]

No, because that is child's play. [He flips open the book and starts flicking through it.] When you take a case, you can argue about whether or not your client did it, or you can argue about what was actually done. Did that woman maliciously murder her husband, or did a victim of relentless abuse finally free herself from a life of violence the only way she knows how? Either way, Mrs Allery's got a shotgun and her peace of mind while Mr Allery is on the floor, but in the second case, the Appeals court lets her walk free instead of slapping her with second degree murder. Would that work now? Of course not. The culture wouldn't recognize it. But they would recognize this.

[He shows her a page covering the insanity plea.] Everyone is crazy here, and almost no one can control when it happens. It's defence gold. In the US, almost every state shoves the burden of proof for insanity onto the defence after that reform act, but not here. Here the prosecution has to prove sanity beyond a reasonable doubt, and a successful plea of temporary insanity has little to no consequences because it happens to everyone, and it's just unlucky that it happened when you were holding a shotgun or driving a carriage. It's a hundred times easier than proving self-defence, because all I would ever have to do is show that they are capable of displaying insanity in this way. And that's a breeze when half of everyone here is out of their minds. Throw in a few words about the insignificance of this crime against the greater backdrop of the horror of the universe and I can wing anything.

[He is smiling really fondly at those pages now.] This place is amazing.

[theworst]

Wow. You really can take advantage of almost anything, can't you? On the plus side, at least I know I'm covered whenever I finally do end up smothering you with a pillow.

[bedheaded]

Nice try, but I won't be defending you if you kill me. You'll probably have some crackpot lawyer who would botch the defence and have you sent to one of the Bedlams they have running here.

[theworst]

[she's about to retort, when something dawns on her]

Oh, I don't think I told you, but another thing they have going on here is bringing people back from the dead.

[bedheaded]

[He opens his mouth to reply, and then he closes his mouth, and then he stares at her.]

They what?

[theworst]

Some of the cults have the ability to bring people back from the dead with ceremonies and stuff. There are side effects, but they're usually case by case, just like when you take medication.

[bedheaded]

Like, zombies and... and whatever else there is other than zombies?

What is that, ghosts? Walking skeletons? I really don't watch enough horror for this.

[theworst]

No, not like zombies. They usually look just like a person who didn't die except they might be a little crazier or they made some deal with the churches so they could come back to life.

[bedheaded]

And it's that easy? Why can't we have that?

[theworst]

I wouldn't say it's easy, considering insanity and whatever other cost there might be that goes along with it.

[bedheaded]

Because being insane is so much worse than ceasing to exist.

[theworst]

Yeah, because it's so easy to exist without your mind or sanity.

[bedheaded]

It's easier than existing without your body.

[theworst]

Well, if I were to die, I wouldn't want you to bring me back. Life is worth living because it's short.

[as she says it she's less convinced though, because dying is scary]

[bedheaded]

Really, Britta? Because if I were to die, I'd want you to bring me back. I'd want you to save me from that. You're an atheist, right? Then you know. It's not heaven or hell. It's not reincarnation or getting a second chance. It's not like being asleep or somewhere without light or noise. It's just ending. It's not nothing; you are. You stop. I don't know about you, but I don't want any part of that if there is anything I can do to get away from it. I want to live. Choosing anything else when I still have the option is tantamount to pointing a gun at my own head and firing.