I feel like Saint Nicholas is pulling my leg

[cloistre]

[So. THE DAY HAS FINALLY ARRIVED, LONDON. It is Christmas. A light snow falls upon the city, and even the Old Ones seem quiet and non-existent against the hustle and bustle of people giving gifts or doing emergency shopping despite the chances that literally nothing is actually open right now.

But that's probably just wishful thinking. You could pretend, if you tried hard enough.

What are you doing?]

Comments

[screwreality]

「THAT'S RUDE, MICHI-CHAN! MY GIRLFRIEND BEATS ME UP ON THURSDAYS.」

[hairpine]

-- I apologise, it was not my intention to offend... I myself am not sane, of course! However... that sort of condition is considered to be a type of mental disorder, isn't it?

[screwreality]

「I HAVE PLENTY OF MENTAL DISORDERS, BUT THAT'S NOT ONE OF THEM! I'M JUST MESSING WITH YOU.」

[Villains.jpg.]

[hairpine]

...

[Ruuuuuuude.]

Regardless, Kumagawa, if you still have time, please, do open your gift!

[screwreality]

[What are you talking about Michi, he's already wearing a scarf. And what present? There's no box.]

「I WOULD, BUT I THINK I'M IN A HURRY. WHAT GIFT DID YOU GET ANYWAY?」

[Stupid reality warping bastardklasjfkla]

[hairpine]

[He also got a stupid letter and some porn, but she is more distracted by the fact that THE BOX IS GONE]

-- Your gift --

I did hand it to you, didn't I, Kumagawa...?

[screwreality]

「YOU DID.」

[It probably vanished into the abyss of his jacket with the rest of his bad-but-really-good-tidings christmas cards.]

[hairpine]

Oh... thank goodness.

I would rather not keep you from your fight! Miss Elizabeth is my friend as well, of course, but please, do avoid losing to her. I believe that I'll make an attempt at wearing a "miniskirt" when we next meet! Please, do your utmost best to murder anyone mistaking me for a prostitute!

[screwreality]

「HA HA! IF MICHI-CHAN WEARS A MINISKIRT FOR MY SAKE, I MIGHT FIND IT IN ME TO TRY TO WIN.」

[He is entirely joking, because They quickly hiss in a breath then exhale it as a relieved sigh. Because]

「SHE'LL PROBABLY KILL ME THOUGH. OH WELL.」

[hairpine]

You must be more optimistic!

[screwreality]

「I'M BEING REALISTIC! THERE'S A BIG DIFFERENCE!」

[hairpine]

If you lose to Miss Elizabeth, then I shall hug you, instead!

[NEGATIVE REINFORCEMENT!!!!!!!!!]

[screwreality]

「...」

[This is why she's a terrorist.]

「BUT I CAN'T WIN AGAINST HER.」

[hairpine]

[OPTIMISM!!!]

Please try as passionately as you are able! If you believe that you are capable of beating her -- regardless of whether or not such is the case -- then victory is yours! The result is irrelevant.

[screwreality]

「NO, I REALLY MEAN IT. SHE'S GOING TO DESTROY ME.」

[Sparkle. REALISM!!!]

[hairpine]

That is acceptable, provided that you aren't permanently destroyed!

[Look, she can sparkle too, jerk.]

However, you mustn't go into battle with such a mindset! Miss Elizabeth is more than capable of winning against you, but any number of factors could have an effect on her own ability to fight upon your return! Her victory and your loss are not set in stone. You told me, Kumagawa, that you tripped over a table, and that was the reason for your current condition? Are you familiar with Probability theory? Its roots lie in the sixteenth century, so it seems likely that you would have heard mention of it in your classes.

There is, perhaps, a 99.9% chance of this second battle resulting in your loss. However, that number is not 100%!

My only desire is that you place your faith in that 0.1%.

[screwreality]

[Michi may be the only one to notice it on account of she's terrorist. So, for that reason, these brackets will mention that at the mention of tables, that smile gets a single shade more false.

If she squints, it might be embarrassment.]

「I'LL THINK ABOUT IT.」

[He wont'.]

[hairpine]

[Her first, gut thought at noticing the difference, and then at that sort-of agreement -- she knows he probably lied, but he did it to placate her, because he knows it would make her happy to think he's going along, because they're friends! This is what she thinks. So basically he could have said anything other than 'no' and she would have felt the same way -- is to hug him.

She starts to go through the motions but stops herself early on. :(]

Thank you!

[screwreality]

[Give him a few long moments to keep that blank, unbreakable mask on. Unlike Michi, his thoughts remain a mystery. Sorry guys.]

「... YOU CAN GO THROUGH WITH IT IF YOU DON'T HOLD IT AGAINST ME WHEN I RUN AWAY RIGHT AFTER.」

[It's instinct and it's Christmas and this can be one of his gifts to her aaaaaa hugs no aaaaaaaaa he's cool with it yes]

[hairpine]

... Is that all right?

[He has to head back soon anyway and and and she wants to do it but :( she knows he hates it.]

[screwreality]

「IT'S ONLY FAIR! I DID SEND YOU A LETTER MADE SPECIFICALLY TO RUIN YOUR DAY! I'M NOT SORRY, SO PUNISH ME HOWEVER YOU SEE FIT. GIVE ME YOUR WORST, MICHI-CHAN!」

[He does but whatever, he'll admit to being nice for once maybe possibly if he's tortured first.]

[hairpine]

Thank you... my apologies.

[... Well . . . if she's got permission . . .
RIGHT LET'S DO THIS hugging thing. It's a little tighter than usual, and held for a little longer than usual, under the pretence of punishing him for being such a jerk, but it's not painful!

Well. For normal people. This is Kumagawa, so.]

[screwreality]

[Don't mind him he just. Will not be moving at all. It's like hugging a blood-stained wall in terms of disgusting and some idiot who doesn't understand feels in terms of cowardice. He even makes a valiant effort to not start shaking in horror for her. Nice people do that, right?????

He doesn't actually manage that last part, but whatever. GOOD ENOUGH!]

[hairpine]

[It's ok, there is time. He will learn. Conditioning!
She holds it for a good minute or two;]

I'll release you now. Thank you, Kumagawa -- good luck! I'm certain that you will at least cause Miss Elizabeth some small degree of grief.

[Aaaand
letting go riiiiight abouuuuuuuuut












now]

[screwreality]

[Judging by how fast he's already three meters away, it's gonna take a lot of time. Oh well.]

「OF COURSE I'LL CAUSE HER GRIEF! I MAY NEVER WIN, BUT I'M GUARANTEED TO RUIN EVERYTHING IN THE MEANTIME, HA HA! PLEASE HAVE A GOOD CHRISTMAS, MICHI-CHAN. OR A TERRIBLE ONE! WHICHEVER SEEMS MOST FITTING!」

[He has already retreated like a boss around a corner by the time she gets to the mailbox. HE'S GONE, HIDING FOREVER KTHX.]